


my heart trembles at the thought of you

by kistachies (hqkaiden)



Category: UP10TION
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hanahaki Disease, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-10
Updated: 2016-08-10
Packaged: 2018-08-07 21:50:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7731034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hqkaiden/pseuds/kistachies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>sungjoon really needs to stop holding on to things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	my heart trembles at the thought of you

**Author's Note:**

> hi guess who's finally back from the dead after not posting anything for almost 3 months :') 
> 
> so yeah i didnt post bc i was away at this summer program and i just didnt have time and. ugh but im back even tho school starts in like 5 days for me
> 
> i wrote this like 3 hours at 3 am so pls forgive me if it doesnt exactly flow right, i'll go back and edit it later when im not half dead lmao!! 
> 
> the title is from cherish by sunyoul and yuju!! (also i always make sungjoon suffer when i write for u10t im so sorry weeps)
> 
> my twitter!: @ jisungsluv

_i should stop holding onto things,_ sungjoon tells himself, bent over the toilet bowl, hacking his lungs up at 3:27 am.

 

he coughs and coughs, but nothing comes out. he’s wheezing, trying his damnedest to get oxygen to go through his clogged-up airway--to no avail.

 

after another 6 minutes, almost waking up another member, and a few tears (a lot), sungjoon pukes out a handful of yellow flower petals. now, he’s no florist, but he’s read enough romance novels and seen enough dramas to know what they mean.

 

hopelessly in love.

 

_yeah, i really should._

 

-

 

the following day, the group is in the practice room, running through the choreography, over and over. sungjoon’s seated against a wall, talking with gyujin about aimless topics. across the room sits yein, giggling at some stupid remark that changhyun made.

 

despite having just danced to the same choreography for over an hour, and being drenched in sweat, yein still looks like the most beautiful masterpiece. he smiles at dongyeol with that bright, bunny-like grin of his, and sungjoon’s stomach churns.

 

 _why can’t he smile at me_ , he asks the gods, _why._

 

apparently, the gods have heard his prayers because  yein is crossing the room to plop himself down next to sungjoon. he leans his head onto sungjoon’s shoulder, who tries his best to not tense up and keep breathing.

 

“we should go get ice cream once practice is over,” yein mutters. “it’s so hot, and it’d be a nice treat, right?”

 

their comeback is soon, and they definitely should not eat sweets or anything that could cause them to gain an ounce. but, nevertheless, sungjoon nods, making a noise of affirmation in the back of his throat. yein faces him and smiles up at him with that wonderful, wonderful smile of his, and sungjoon is a goner.

 

(15 minutes later, once they finish for the day, finds sungjoon in the bathroom once again, failing to breathe with flower-crowded lungs. this time, it’s small, magenta-colored petals. he has to search it up this time, but finds out that they’re zinnias.

 

lasting affection.

 

 _it fits,_ he thinks.)

 

-

 

the next few weeks are packed, so sungjoon figures he won’t have much time to look at yein and throw up flowers. he obviously underestimates himself way too much, because that’s all the next few weeks consist of--for him, at least.

 

one particular day, they’re at a photoshoot and an interview. so far, sungjoon had only managed to cough up a few petals, and had high hopes that the rest of the day would be as gracious. ( _had_ is the key word here. _had._ )

 

during the photoshoot, as he watches yein, his lungs fill with petals. (and his eyes, with tears.) it’s as if he realizes that yein, _sweet, perfect, ethereal yein_ , isn’t his. (never will be.)

 

in that moment, all the instances of yein’s little bouts of affection and attention towards him seem pointless, because sungjoon realizes that there was no special meaning behind them. there was no hidden intent or message. it was just yein... _being yein. affectionate, friendly yein._

 

it hits sungjoon like a train, full-force. he rushes out of the photography studio and to the bathroom. he spends a good 20 minutes in there, sobbing and hacking up petals like it’s his day job. once he’s calmed down enough, he looks down to find a bouquet’s worth of flowers floating in little circles. he’s been reading up on flowers, so he’s able to know the messages behind them.

 

bell-flower--ardent love; white carnations--lovely; purple lilacs--the first instance of love; along with a few others. one that stands out among them all, however, is one star-shaped flower, with white petals and a yellow middle, called narcissus.  _unrequited love._

 

sungjoon weeps.

 

(the next day, he goes straight to their manager.

 

they schedule his surgery to be in 2 days.)

 

-

 

the two days pass by quickly, and before sungjoon knows it, he’s headed in for surgery. right before the anesthesia kicks in, he tries his best to write down how it feels, being this in love. he figures that if he’s going to get rid of these feelings, he might as well let himself remember what they were like. (and to serve as a caution for himself in the future.)

 

when he comes to, it is not a pleasant experience. the first thing he does is choke on air. he blames it on the fact that he can finally breathe properly, but in his mind he knows it’s because he full-well expected the tightness in his chest and longing in his heart. (he’d be lying if he said he didn’t miss it.)

 

it’s contradictory, because now he won’t have to feel the disappointment of knowing that yein will never be his, never be his to hold or to love because that’s just not what fate wants, apparently. he’ll never get this giddy feeling in his chest whenever yein calls his name, nor feel as if the sun is beaming down upon him whenever yein graces him with his smile. it’s frustrating, if sungjoon really thinks about it.

 

it feels strange, in a way, to think about yein and not relate it to love. sure, sungjoon still adores him, but there isn’t that extra side to it with those complicated feelings and thoughts. it’s slightly a relief.

 

( _but that damn empty hole in his heart just won’t go away._ )

 

-

 

the members never tried to ask sungjoon who it is. (they didn’t have to.) they do, however, come visit him after the surgery. they bring themselves and a bright, cheery atmosphere that he certainly needed after this entire ordeal. yein is noticeably quieter than the rest, and sungjoon can only figure it’s because he knows. when he catches yein's gaze, sungjoon smiles at him, and mouths, _it’s okay_.

 

it’s all he can offer him now, really.

 

(as the others are leaving, yein stays behind.

 

“i’m sorry.” yein leans down and presses a gentle kiss to sungjoon’s cheek. he hands sungjoon a bouquet, and leaves the room without another word.

 

the bouquet only has two types of flowers in it--purple hyacinths, asking for forgiveness; and striped carnations:

  
rejection.)


End file.
